


Thoughts

by UnfortunatelySux



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: :/, M/M, Michael thinks abt shit, Multi, Polyamorous Character, Quiromantic Musings, Wishful Thinking, contemplating feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 05:14:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15656481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnfortunatelySux/pseuds/UnfortunatelySux
Summary: Michael thinks about his situation and how he got there.





	Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> I dunno its 12 am and i can't sleep and i havent written anything by myself in ages so its probably high key badly written. Sry. Ive had this idea floating around in my head for ages so i rushed it out bc why not. Apologies in advance bc i didnt reread it after writing it and i already know its rambly and shitty ://

Michael had come to the conclusion that he hated himself. More specifically, his feelings. He had been having more than a little trouble lately in regards to his feelings. 

Michael classified himself as quiromantic. The technical definition of quiromantic is ‘"actively disidentifying" with romance/romantic attraction/romantic orientation "as sensible/applicable categories for you" or feeling these categories are "inaccessible, inapplicable, non-sensical".Co sees quoi- as challenging the idea that these concepts are universally applicable and relevant’.’ 

When broken down, it meant the Michael had a couple issues in regards to his feeling. Things such as being unsure if he experience attraction or not, being unable to understand attraction as a concept or feeling, finding the concept of attraction to be inaccessible, inapplicable, or nonsensical. These were all things that Michael was very familiar with.

Which wouldn’t be a problem, if not for his current circumstances. 

To start from the beginning, Michael grew up with his best friend Jeremy being to only person he was really close to. He was fine with it, he enjoyed being around Jeremy and didn’t see the need to introduce anyone else. That changed, though, when Jeremy started hanging out with Rich. 

See, Michael had nothing against Rich. He wasn’t a bad guy. But, whenever Jeremy was around Rich, he acted different. He wasn’t the same person Michael had known better than himself. He was… mean.

It started out small at first. Jeremy and Rich would joke around with each other and tease Michael- all in good spirits, of course- but then they wouldn’t stop. One of them would say something Michael didn’t like, and the other would egg it on continuously, despite Michael’s protests.

For example, they would choose a movie or TV show and choose their favourite Characters, and assign them to themselves. Then, they would choose the worst character, and jokingly assign it to Michael. Whenever Michael told them he didn’t like it, it just seemed to further reinforce the idea in their heads.

Michael knew that they’d never meant any real harm by it, so he would complain about not liking whatever they had said but would move on regardless. But then things got worse. 

Michael would be hanging out with Jeremy, telling him about a new video game he had been playing or some show he was getting in to and then Jeremy would stop him, look him in the eyes, and flatly inform him that he did not care about what he was saying. Then he would turn away and carry on as though nothing had happened. This would happen occasionally, and then regularly, and then to the point where Michael decided it wasn’t worth trying to talk to him at all. 

He felt excluded. Jeremy and Rich would create inside jokes and laugh with each other constantly, and not matter how much he asked, Michael would never be let in on them. His insecurities grew, along with his loneliness. 

Michael hated it. It hurt him to be rejected by the only person who he had ever known to always accept him. It hurt him more that it seemed to happen more and more. So, he decided to make new friends. That was when be met Jared.

Jared was funny and nerdy and easy to talk to. He had a bit of a habit of making bad decisions, but Michael overlooked those things in favor of the support Jared offered him. Michael would turn to him when things happened with Jeremy. 

He would tell Jared about the times Rich and Jeremy made fun of him, or when Jeremy would tell him he didn't care about Michael’s interests in the slightest, or about how he felt like he was the thing Rich and Jeremy were always laughing at. 

Jared offered him what he had been craving so desperately. Jared would listen to him whenever he was feeling overwhelmed or lonely. He would joke around with him like Jeremy used to and make him laugh until his sides hurt and his eyes watered. And Michael would do the same for him. Michael would listen to Jared and be there for him when he was having issues with his family, or his mental state, or whatever he wanted to talk about. 

They got closer, and Michael and Jeremy grew more distant. By the end of a year, Michael rarely talked to Jeremy other than when necessary. He would see him with Rich, hanging around together in the hallways but he would simply wave politely and carry on. Jared became the one who he was closest to. The one who mattered the most. 

That was when things started getting messy. 

Michael thought he might have been developing a crush on Jared. He wasn’t sure, though, because what he felt for Jared didn’t feel like what he expected a crush on someone to feel like. But he would get jealous at the prospect of Jared dating someone else, and he found himself thinking about what it would be like to date him.

He figured it must’ve been a crush. After all, why else would he find himself constantly daydreaming about the two of them always being together or going out on dates? So, he ended up asking Jared to be his boyfriend. And Jared accepted. 

Things were fine like that for a while, until Jeremy waltzed back into his life. Michael hadn’t spoken to Jeremy in over a year. But then one day he got stranded at school when his car broke down, and he had ended up stuck waiting with Jeremy in front of the school. Jeremy had explained that he would stay with him while he waited on one of his mothers, since his dad wasn’t there yet either. And things went good. 

The pair joked around together and talked just like they used to. Neither of them had acknowledged the fact that their friendship had fallen apart at first. But a week later Michael found himself texting Jeremy late into the night, discussing a game that he had recommended him. They started talking more and more, and eventually found themselves telling each other how much they had missed their friendship. 

They made up, just like that. A mutual understanding was reached, and they once again began growing closer with each day, until things felt just like they used to.

Then Michael started feeling jealous when Jeremy told him about people he thought he might have a crush on. He started daydreaming about them being together for ages. He imagined what it would be like to date him. 

It twisted his feelings and heart into a horrible mess. He loved Jared. Jared loved him. He didn’t want to lose him. They had an honest relationship and he enjoyed dating him. But, he longed to be able to call Jeremy his boyfriend, to be able to be there for him and do all those stupid couple things. 

Michael felt like shit. He felt selfish, and horrible, and confused. He wanted to be with Jared, who made him laugh effortlessly and said sweet things to him when he was feeling down. He wanted to be with Jeremy, who would joke with him for hours about meaningless shit. He wanted to be with them both. 

Part of him wondered if he even liked Jared romantically. He had figured that the way he had felt for Jared when they got together had been because of a crush, but now he wondered if it was just his horrible codependency and inability to understand his own feelings tricking him. Did he want to date these boys? Was it love or a crush or something else he was feeling that was tearing him apart.

It didn’t matter. He knew he could never have them both. Jared and Jeremy were two very different people. They got along well when they were together, but they were both very jealous and protective. There was no chance they would ever agree to a poly relationship. Michael knew that. So, he never said anything. He resigned himself to letting his thoughts whirl around within his head, never acting on his ideas. He stayed with Jared and maintained his friendship with Jeremy, managing to distribute his time equally between the two. 

He tried to ignore the knot that seemed to permanently reside in his stomach these days. He absolutely hated his feelings.


End file.
